NFL Predications: Week Nine

Lessons from last week: Eli Manning reads defenses like I read Arabic, Ed Reed can knock a person's eyebrows off and the New Orleans Saints should be booking their Superbowl plane tickets now.

Baltimore at Cincinnati (+2.5)
Man I totally called the Ravens public spanking of the Broncos last week. The bye week will probably hurt Cincinnati this time around because you better believe the Ravens D will crash into them with a recklessness rivaled only by a drunken L.A. cab driver. And someone should hit them. Seriously, Chad Ochocinco can go to the Hall of Fame when he buys a tour pass. Also Joe Flacco is learning how to steer the offense and will probably make the Bengals' crowd eat a big plate of "shut the hell up" by the end of the first quarter. Because the Ravens have lost three critical games, they're basically playing in the playoffs right now--and I think they know it. Ravens cover because if they lose against Cincinnati again, they'll need a series of miracles last seen 3,000 miles away. Which brings me to...

San Diego at New York (Giants) (-4.5)
The Giants started 5-0, talked about another Superbowl then absolutely crashed their next three games by a total score of 132 to 6, or something like that. Regardless, now the first five victories don't look so impressive and the next 8 games look a lot harder. Likewise, the Chargers have only notched up four victories and two of those were against the Raiders--who can only find the stadium every other week. The Giants have gaping defensive problems and L.T. still shows life every once in a while. The announcers will talk incessantly about Eli Manning getting traded from the Chargers to the Giants in exchange for Phillip Rivers and six barrels of protein powder but this game will be about the running backs. I'm not ready to say the Chargers are good enough to walk across the country and beat a city pumped on World Series testosterone, but they aren't losing by a whole touchdown either. Chargers beat the spread.

Dallas at Philadelphia (-2.5)
The Eagles are number one in takeaways, in the league. Cowboys are ranked 26th. Donovan McNabb could throw a beach ball to his receivers and the Cowboys' secondary would be helpless. Any Dallas supporter will flaunt Miles Austin as the best golden receiver since AirBud II; but really, I don't care. How many Superbowl rings do star wide outs Terrell Owns, Chad Ochocinco and Randy Moss have combined? Hint: as many as I do. Also Tony Romo cries when people boo him and this game is going to be in a very angry city. Philadelphia covers and I'll say that until the spread jumps by more than seven points.

Pittsburgh at Denver (+2.5)
Shit. I don't know why I chose to predict this game. The Steelers have a bye week after an unexpectedly great game against the Vikings but the Broncos have already beaten some serious teams at Mile High Stadium. The Steelers are probably going to make me tear out my long beautiful hair if I pick them. Even if the Broncos lose they've only got 3 or 4 hard games left on their schedule; they couldn't lose the division, again, right? Right? Dammit. I think both teams are going to make me tear my hair out. Forget the numbers, this is a gut instinct. Actually forget my gut, in the event of a draw, I go with the experienced team. Steelers win by 3 and Sportscenter jumps off the Bronco bandwagon as if it was on fire.