I'm Going Ape For...

THE PLANET OF THE APES (1968).

This review contains spoilers: the planet is Earth.

The original PLANET OF THE APES is arguably the best classic movie that people don’t watch anymore. Part of the blame is on the cataclysmic amount of parodies, all deriving from the same iconic, though over-emphasized, ending scene. The twist is not the whole movie, nor even in the best 5 moments. Like THE SIXTH SENSE, audiences have turned against a great movie because the ending made a monkey out of them. Guess what? There is a lot more to the movies than the endings. Also, part of the blame is on Tim Burton, who showed audiences a movie about a bunch of monkey business and nothing more. No, the 1968 film is incredible and I mean that in the least sarcastic way possible because when a movie’s flaws contribute to its greatness, that’s a pretty damn good movie.

The film starts off with Charlton Heston smoking a cigar in his spaceship while contemplating the vanity and violence that plagues mankind (completely disregarding that a global war was funding the space race that made his inter-stellar voyage possible). Regardless, his mentality is not applauded by the movie as he is then put in a world of like-minded individuals who hate humanity as much as himself. This is the self-destructive story of a misanthrope man vs. a misanthrope society. When this is the case in life, everyone is hurt. Lesson to viewers: lighten up. This message has since been lost on audiences over the last twenty years but should come back with a hopeful vengeance.

Then our heroes crash land on the planet--killing one of four astronauts--and travel around the desert landscape to a monotonous, eerie death march of blind exploration. Great moments ensue (including the best gay skinny dipping this side of ALEXANDER), two more ‘nauts drop and Heston becomes a temporary mute captive.

Before Heston regains his ability to swear, though never losing his ability to be belligerent, the movie hits upon another great concept relevant pre-moon landing and 40 years after the famous mooning. The monkeys in charge do not explore “The Forbidden Zone” because there is “nothing out there.” The undertone here is that wasting your time and resources is “forbidden.” Regarding space travel, this is the obvious counter-argument to going to Mars--or even the Moon again. There can be no discovery, no advancement at all, without exploration. But free your mind from spatial exploration. This is about education and cultural diversity. Exploring sciences and cultures lead to discoveries. Isolating oneself in anyway is never acceptable.

Shortly after, Heston vocally suggests the monkeys stop manhandling him and is put on trial, alongside his two staunch owners. This monkey trial has shades of the McCarthy communist hearings, as people are being tried for their beliefs rather than any actual crime, but the more overt message is the more appropriate one; and that’s the concept of “scientific heresy.” The science of Heston naturally learning to speak flies in the face of ancient, unalienable, scrolls. These scrolls, unlike science’s “theories,” are fact and allow any evidence put forth to be “contestable.” Note: Dr. Zaius asserts that science and religion are not in conflict with each other, but rather science is wrong until it agrees with religion. Hauntingly realistic, Zaius goes on to echo the sentiment that it is religion--not science--that holds together society. His views are so relevant and damned disagreeable that you want to choke your TV.

So science is found guilty of being secular and the apes of religion are shown to be apes of wrath by sentencing Heston to a fate rivaled only by his role in THE OMEGA MAN. Then somehow, Heston finds shaving cream, shaves, and helps uncover human fossils, including Senator Robert Byrd (zing!). Monkeys with guns show up, start some gorilla warfare and everybody ends up with a gun to their head—just how Heston likes it. Eventually Heston is freed but new-found knowledge is silenced and destroyed (also implying that the heroes, Cornelius, Zira and Lucius, are executed off-screen).

And as for the ending, I believe it was actually a parody itself, as the line “You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!” is identical to the profanity-riddled ending of GONE WITH THE WIND. I guess I just really want to clarify that some of the most imperative movies to our time were actually made for another time. I don’t mean this as a smear against modern films, but rather an applaudment of classic films deserving of their classic status. Maybe a thousand monkeys at a thousand typewriters could eventually produce a movie of this quality, but I highly doubt it. Unless they just did.