Stand Up Material

I'm kind of nervous, this is my first time doing anything like this before. So if you could just cheer and clap when I come back on stage like I'm your favorite comedian ever, that'd really help. Thanks.

Funny how I stopped caring about lowering the drinking age once I turned 21. In my late-teen years I was positive that I could drink as reasonably as any adult; now my opinion of young people arguing for a lowered drinking age ranges between indifference, annoyance and mockery. But see, I have the same feelings towards other issues. I don't care how much millionaires are taxed when I'm not a millionaire. Incidentally, I guess I just found yet another reason to be thankful I'm not in danger of becoming a teenager again.

I see people paying $50 for a pair of pants that have holes in them. I paid $15 for mine and have ketchup stains on them. That's pretty much the same thing, right? Maybe even better, it's more original and more casual. You wait and see, in five years, all the models and store manikins will have Cheetos stains on their pants.

Sometimes I get tired of trying to make friends. Last week I came to the conclusion that the first girl who starts a conversation with me--instead of me having to break the ice--will probably be my future wife. Just lowering standards here. But soon after I thought this, a girl I've never talked to sat next to me right before our class started. She looked around the room and said, "Are there less people here than last week?" I turned to her and said with a smile, "No, we just all lost weight." She looked at me, puzzled, and asked, "Why would that matter?" I guess we're not getting married anytime soon. Sorry ladies, but the bar has been raised.

Speaking of bars, I think an army recruiter tried to recruit me at a bar last weekend. Just a plain dressed guy came up to me, asked if I was having a good time and just seemed really, really interested in what I was saying. It took me back to high school when army recruiters were a lot more prevalent. You're just talking to some stranger until they ask if you have any plans for the future. All of a sudden its like talking to a drug dealer. What did my mom used to say? Just say no? I'm serious though. I admire the willingness to day for your country, but I'm just not there yet. I just paid taxes here. When I was in high school, hell no I didn't have plans for the future. The future was this weekend. Unless Army's parents are out of town and they're throwing a party, I don't care.