The January Skyscraper

I have one novel idea, but that’s not enough for a book.

I considered hitting a dog in the face with a cream pie and felt down thinking about it. I considered hitting a cat in the face with a cream pie and fell down laughing about it.

While discussing TV actors with a friend, another friend started singing, “Shimmy shimmy cocoa what? Listen to it pound. Light it up and take a puff, pass it to me now.” After I moment I realized what had happened and yelled into the other room, “We were talking about Kelsey Grammer!”

A grizzly bear got shoved out of a plane. For that minute before the parachute deployed, the bear just absolutely freaked the fuck out.

Brett accused me of never washing my car. I told him, “You watch too many movies, Brett.” I’ve discovered this is the ultimate comeback to any criticism. Use it wisely and rampantly.

I’ve been job hunting, in the sense that I tracked down employment opportunities and then killed them. I then got stopped by a Park Ranger who said using hand grenades is morally reprehensible and, more importantly, illegal. However I escaped her bear trap-like grip and hid underneath a waterfall for two and half days. After that I found some campers and stole a bag of Skittles. Now that’s a metaphor!

Like casinos, life has no seats for onlookers.

A “welcome” mat showed up at my door. I turned it backwards so that it does not welcome the people that do not visit me, but rather the mat welcomes me to the world when I leave.

I made up the jazz song name “Tuesday Bluesday” for forgotten reasons. My friend was convinced a song that bad must already exists. It turns out there is a band by that name, and a music series in Harrisburg…and a song.

Meanest thing I heard this month: “Nice shopping cart; what are you, homeless?”

Stanton said he wanted to be buried with all his Dallas Cowboy football jerseys. We all laughed. “I’m serious!” he said. We all laughed harder. When we stopped, he continued, “No. Really.” We stood in silence.

A young, British secret agent is sent on a top-secret mission half-a-world away to stop a madman from unleashing an unspeakable act of violence on the most powerful nations around the globe. The young, brash agent later discovers that the criminal mastermind was once the best secret agent for the same secret government agency that sent him. The name of the super villain? James Bond. Best movie ever? Yes.

Give a man a fish and you've fed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you've lost a customer.

This story is a skyscraper because it is made up of dozens of stories.