An Essay on the Martian Book

Sometime ago researchers discovered an artifact on the planet Mars. It was a highly sophisticated series of paper tablets that were bound by some highly sophisticated adhesive—at least two generations more advanced than spit. At first the scientists believed it to be pure gibberish so they gave it to a group of more optimistic scientists who determined it was in fact a written language. Within 30 minutes they had the entire language translated—but that was only because they took a 15-minute coffee break. After translating the language, nobody read the ancient alien artifact, so they determined it was a political memoir.

At this point, the alien book was given to me, a literary critic, to determine the relevance and decide upon which class middle school students should be forced to read it. As I hope the alien writings were not meant to be entertaining, I will not tire my own readers with trivialities such as characters or plot, but rather focus on the context, themes and importance of said work.

From what I can interpret, this book was written by some sort of ostracized tribal queen. But rather than rolling around in lavish royal benefits, this was a position of duty and responsibility. And while the queen clearly sought power and influence, she only did so in the name of defending her tribal people—presumably unable to defend themselves. This is not to say her people were inferior in anyway; in fact by any conceivable measurement they were superior in every way. Her people were the most dedicated, the strongest, the most intelligent, kind, (Martian) worldly and moral. It is fitting than that she was their leader, as there is none who carried any of these qualities more than this tribal queen. At any point she makes this particular assertion though, she quickly counters it with nun-like modesty.

However this plain-Martian-speaking tribal queen was only one of thousands of royal members in her society. Unfortunately it seems their society collapsed, as the corrupt, incompetent and mean-spirited leaders were more persuasive to the masses. And while the queen identified pockets of intelligent thought, they were usually ousted from their limited power holds--herself included. The way she describes the leaders and policies of the antagonistic leaders seems nothing short of societal suicide. Only this queen and a few of her peers bothered to assess their planet’s history and think about the future. However her clear thinking and obvious reasoning was purposefully distorted, or withheld, from the masses, leading to her political expulsion. This is a horrify depiction of a once-great society that fell from grace.

Unfortunately this work was an autobiography, so we can never fully know what came of this banished tribal queen who prided herself on her loyal, and apparently sizable, following. What is certain is that Mars is now devoid of intelligent life. Granted, some new forms of bacteria were discovered on the planet, but none of them have been able to learn past the fifth letter in our alphabet. My guess would be that this queen never obtained any greater political power, as the planet is so irreversibly damaged. Moreover, any other alien books that are discovered should be immediately burned as they are undoubtedly filled with lies and misinformation.

And regarding Mars in general…wait. Have I been writing “Mars” this whole time? Shoot. I meant “Earth.” Whatever. I’m not going to proof-read this.