An Open Resume

Dear Charley Cooper,

I’m responding to the employment opportunity you placed on the Georgetown University website—that you are looking for a personal assistant. As a 21-year-old college student with an irrelevant major and no dress shoes to speak of, I feel I am more than qualified to meet your needs; after all, I’ve got two more years of life experience than you.

The job duties required of your personal assistant are specific and include: organizing your closet, driving you to/from work, putting gas in your car, managing your electronic accounts, doing your laundry (mostly polo shirts) and scheduling in your haircuts--though admittedly it’s been a while since I’ve personally done that. But I have a few questions and suggestions.

Firstly, you estimate that it’ll take about 7 hours a week. I find that amount of time outrageously low. There are 168 hours in the week. If I sleep away 50 of them and have class another 15, that’s only 103 hours left! That might seem like a lot, but remember, I fill that time every week with stuff like: organizing my shit, driving to/from places, putting gas in my car, managing various accounts, doing laundry (mostly bandanas) and scheduling haircuts--which again, doesn’t take up as much time as it used to. There’s no way I could live my life twice in one week, but if you just need to trim 7 hours of yours I think I could help; what’s one night of sleep?

Secondly, is this your way of trying to meet girls? Seriously. If it is, that’s cool. I don’t mean to intrude on your game. I know how it goes. You watch one too many episodes of “Mad Men” and you get to thinking, “Hey, I could be like those guys. All I need it a pretty, young, female assistant who will take misogynistic abuse and eventually fall in love with my cunning wit and professional success.” After all, you are majoring in finance and management.

Thirdly, and I’m not trying to be lazy here, but, could the assistant just follow you around all day whipping you in the back when you start wasting time? Personally, I would find that much more rewarding--for the future assistant and yourself. Though the first work week or two might last longer than 7 hours, I bet things speed up pretty fast before long. I guess that’s just something to think about.

In all honesty, I am sorry if your family is going through some tough medical times, but no more sorry than I am for any family going through medical problems—and by the way, there are quite a few of those. If your life is truly that exceptional, so unique, overwhelming and important to warrant a personal assistant, then congratulations Mr. Cooper, you are truly remarkable at a private university of over 15,000 students.

Wait, I just read you are willing to pay up to $12 an hour. Are you joking? Seriously...are you joking? Do you want a cover sheet for my resume?

Sincerely,
Nick