Gays Admit Diabolical Plans

In a startling public confession, leaders of the homosexual community in the state of Washington admitted their plans to undermine traditional, God-fearing marriage. What many reasonable-thinking Americans assumed was morally righteous, hypocritical, paranoid-induced fear mongering has now been confirmed.

“It’s true,” boasts Lars Thunderbottom, president of all gay people, “As homosexuals, we’ve always wanted to outlaw Christianity, do illegal drugs, teach children to be homosexual and just overall gross normal people out.”

Apparently, the arguments for Washington’s Referendum 71 were all made up to get attention from a gay-loving liberal media, including: hospital visitation rights, legal adoptions, employer-heathcare coverage, pension benefits and death benefits already granted to heterosexual (or “traditional”) couples.

Now, of course, the obvious solution (expanding the rights of legally-bestowed “civil unions” to the same rights of denominationally-bestowed “marriage” rights) is void. Turns out this whole time, gay people (as they now prefer to be called) have wanted to re-write every Christian’s bible.

“They don’t need to buy a new pro-gay Bible,” explains Dani Jo, “That’d be crazy. Just let us come into your home and re-write some passages with a Sharpie.”

Jo would go on to concede that American society was just overall better 20, 40 or 60 years ago. Back then, all families stuck together (see the documentary “Leave it to Beaver”) and honest Americans treated each other right. Also there were no gay people.

The effects of gay marriage in other states and countries have already been felt, surely sending a damning message to the people of Washington. As previously reported by “Protect Marriage in Washington,” Scandinavia’s drug use doubled 19 times since approving gay marriage (without even being a country) and suicide rates in Massachusetts have equally skyrocketed (according to some guy whose nephew is a lawyer).

In Washington the effects can only be hypothesized but should probably be unconscionably ridiculous. Children growing up around gay teachers, doctors and even adoptive parents will become gay themselves. Upon turning gay, the children will then listen to new music that hardly even sounds like music and only watch football for the ass-slaps. So consumed by their “gayness,” the children will then grow up with no work ethic, never believe in a Christian god and let the Chinese devour us all (economically, of course).

The effects of the marriage legislation are already being felt by the future generations.

“I don’t know,” said little Timmy, “I guess I feel a little gayer now.”

There’s no telling how the rest of the country will react to this new, gay news. It’s likely Clint Eastwood will make a de-saturated period piece movie about a gay man over coming obstacles placed down by a demonized society...likely starring Morgan Freeman and oh…I don’t know, let’s just go with Matt Damon, he’s in a lot of shit. Of course then the Academy will give them all a bunch of Oscars because Hollywood has officially come out of the closest as a gay city.

When reached for comment, that guy who works at the coffee shop--who you’ve always suspected was gay--said, “I am a little frustrated that the normal, real Americans in this country have finally proven that morality is not subjective. Everyone knows the country was built on the idea of having a repressive majority--despite the fact that every immigrant in the last 500 years was clearly a minority in some context, whether it was religion, race, nationality or sexual orientation.”