NFL Predictions: Week Thirteen

Lessons learned from last week: the Saints are blessed, I should be using real money and it's time to stop being a horse's ass and admit Brett Favre is playing especially well. Perhaps MVP well.

Tennessee at Indianapolis (-7.5)
The Colts baffle spectators week after week as probably the weakest team to ever go 11-0, whatever that means. Meanwhile the Titans have won 5 in a row after losing their first 6 games. Now with Dwight Freeney out, Peyton Manning has gone and hurt his hand just to seemingly fit in with the cool kids. Manning will play, no doubt, but the Colts haven't had an impressive win since playing the Titans in October; and that was when Tennessee was one loss away from putting "Nashville Icon" contestants in the starting lineup. Winning by 8 points is asking a lot considering this Titans team is flirting the the notion of having an idea of possibly forming an upset strategy. Tennessee beats the spread.

New England at Miami (+4)
Unlike in their loss to Indianapolis, the entire Patriots team got embarrassed by the Saints last week. Now the Patriots have "overlooked" the Cheetos-munching, perpetually worthless Dolphins several times. However they won't overlook the stupid "Wildcat formation" that gives every Miami fan a boner. That formation has wasted dozens of drives and even lost games, but never mind that, it beat the Patriots years ago! The Patriots lost by 1 to the Colts then slapped the Jets by 17; the Patriots then lost by 21 to the Saints so should beat the Dolphins by...37? This isn't the Patriots of 2007 but it is the Patriots, so yeah, they cover.

Dallas at New York (Giants) (+1.5)
The Cowboys have won 6 of their last 7. The Giants have lost 5 of their last 6. Tony Romo has a 93.9 quarterback rating. The Giants couldn't protect Eli Manning if Dallas replaced their D-line with Jerry Jones and Jason Alexander. Only an idiot would pick against the Cowboys in this game. Giants.

Minnesota at Phoenix (even)
Even odds? Are you joking with me? This probably won't stick through Sunday but I'm writing this Friday and at least three sources have this game as 50-50...which it isn't. The Cardinals are only marginally better than they were last year, when they were 8-8 until making an unexplainable playoff run. It's become increasingly difficult (read: impossible) to deny Favre's positive influence on the Vikings--a quarterback rating of 112.1 this late in the season is phenomenal for anyone, no matter how awful their retirement speeches are. Vikings win and don't expect it to be a squeaker.

Baltimore at Green Bay (-2.5)
This is Ravens' quarterback Joe Flacco pointing to where he plans on throwing his next interceptions.
Packers cover.

The Devil Lives on 8th Street: Part Two of Three

“Bummer about that last game, huh?”
“Yeah, but I think it was good for the team,” defended Mitch. “I think we'll be stronger than ever and ready to just dominate the rest of the season.”
“Plus being perfect is boring.”

And while the Barracudas weren’t undefeated anymore, in a month they were 15-5 and the talk about a championship grew louder. Unarguably, the loudest talk came from Mitch, who had worn all black after the team’s first lost as a joke but later turned it into a gloomy tradition. But it wasn’t just the losses that started getting to Mitch; it was the close wins. Mitch knew that the Barracudas had no shot at the championship if they couldn’t even beat the North Grove Spider Monkeys by more than four points. And if Vince Bergman went on another steak of 20 plus points per game, he could go back to being the leading league scorer.

“That’s unhealthy, my man,” offered Joe Barcelona.
“What’s unhealthy? This donut pizza? Because I have a friend who was thinking about being a doctor-”
“You got to play for the game, not the statistics. It’s a battle, not a math equation.”

Math equation or not, the Barracudas needed more help than anybody--aside from the cholesterol-packed Mitch--was willing to admit. The team needed perfection and a guarantee of greatness or they were not worth following at all. So, with noticeably less energy than usual, Mitch went to see the Devil. Mitch didn’t need pot; he needed a promise. And it wouldn't cost any samolians.

“Shit. I figured you’d never offer me your soul after I didn’t give you a loan some years back.”
“Yeah well,” Mitch hesitated. “Reggie had what I needed and wanted my old TV. But for this, I just got you.”
“That’s gravy for the both of us.”
“So it’s a deal?”
“Sure.”
“Do I need to, like, sign anything?”
“No. Legal issues never really seem to come up.”

And so, as Mitch expected, the Barracudas eventually entered the championship. What Mitch didn’t expect, though, was winning two free tickets to the game thanks to a radio show call-in contest (Mitch knew which Barracuda player suffered from taphophobia). At the game, before tip-off, Mitch decided to treat Joe Barcelona and himself to some hot dogs.

At the concession stand, Mitch saw a sign reading: “Ask about our ‘dog sauce’”. Mitch turned behind him and asked the stranger if the sign was an order, because he really didn’t want to ask about their ‘dog sauce’. It was after making this flip-remark that Mitch noticed the collateral listener was a beautiful girl wearing a hideous Gorilla jersey. She smiled at Mitch’s joke but frowned at Mitch’s apparel.

“Fuck the Gorillas, Barracudas all the way,” Mitch challenged with a wink and smile.
“I wouldn’t get your hopes up,” the girl, later revealed to be named Sasha Madison, replied. “I’ve taken out an unworldly loan to insure a Gorilla championship.”

The hot dog placed in Mitch’s hand went ice cold.

The Devil Lives on 8th Street: Part One of Three

Mitch was modestly excited for the upcoming Barracuda basketball season. And even though he had never spent a dime on any of their merchandise, he did steal a cap with a fish logo on it—Mitch later lost the cap himself. And even if Mitch didn’t go to many games, he did like watching the team every once in a while at some sports bars as most places give better discounts on buffalo wings when the team wins. So it wasn’t the most unusual thing in the world when Mitch went to Gary’s Bar ‘n Grill to watch the season opener with his good friend, Joe Barcelona.

Joe Barcelona was as smooth as silk and just as cheap. He’d buy drinks and food to liven a place up or to liven a place up even more. He was a philosophizing, romanticizing, friend-prizing Doc Holiday of the 21st Century. So it wasn’t the most unusual thing in the world when Mitch and Joe Barcelona were greeted with flailing open arms and slurred warm charms.

“You still want to be an officer, Joe?” asked one patron.
“You’re going to be a police man?!” followed-up Mitch, who was about to slide his weed into the pocket of a distracted game-watcher. “A copper? The Po-Lease? Johnny Law? The po-po? The 5-0? Bacon? The heat? The black and white? A boy in blue? The fuzz? A G-man? A narc? The man? A...uh…gun…guy”

Joe Barcelona laughed a hearty laugh and felt Mitch deserved a free drink. Joe Barcelona went on to explain that he was the unofficial treasurer of the Barracuda fan club, the Gary’s Bar ‘n Grill chapter. Upon this social discovery, Mitch joined the club right away and was doubly thrilled to get another drink from another club member. Mitch was doubly excited again, when the Barracudas won their first game.

By the next game, Mitch had a Barracuda t-shirt and had even paid for it. By the end of the half, Mitch was right alongside all the others criticizing Coach Schumacher’s decision to bench Keaton. Within two more games, no one could tell Mitch hadn’t been following the team his whole life.

When the team was 6-0, but not yet playing for 7-0, Mitch made a quick run to the Devil’s house to pick up some weed. It wasn’t a far drive and the Devil wasn’t the only place to score, but he usually had the best. Mitch bounded up the dilapidated front porch and knocked on the wooden door. Instantly hearing permission, Mitch walked in and plopped down on the 1980s style couch while the Devil finished playing a song on Guitar Hero. After the final note click, the Devil’s score popped up. “94% on Expert.”

“Is expert hard?” Mitch asked.
“It’s hard for those who aren’t experts. Whatcha up to Mitch?”
“Chillin' out. Maxin', relaxin'. All cool.”
“You following the Barracudas?”
“Hell yeah. Undefeated. And with the exception of two games, we’ve won by at least ten every time. And even with the other two games, it’s only had to come down to a last second shot once. We haven’t played any division games, but if we win the next one, we’ll be up two and half games-”
“Whoa, Mitch. You need to chill out. The games end with the final whistle.”

Mitch didn’t know what the Devil meant by that but he didn’t know what the Devil meant by a lot of things. The Devil went into his room and emerged a second later to toss Mitch a sack of what he wanted. The Devil then explained he didn’t have any change for Mitch, but Mitch could just pay him double next time.

“You don’t need the money?” Mitch asked.
“I always need the security money provides, but I also make a habit out borrowing from pessimists.”
“Why?”
“They never expect to get their money back.”

Mitch left with a forced smile and acknowledging head nod. Two days later, Mitch was roaring for Barracuda victory in vain. Mitch’s team lost 87-65.

Sometimes Life

All I did was make change with a certain tip jar.
Now I'm no longer welcome at a certain hip bar.

The Time Has Come

What does the recent blockbuster disaster film "2012" say about universal health care?

To no great surprise this movie about finality, futility and impeding doom includes a ludicrous, fantastical and contrived glimmer of hope. I suppose audiences only care about survivors. And these survivors earn their salvation by getting aboard a giant boat when the world is flooding. If some are unsure of the Biblical imagery, it is made more clear with the saving of two giraffes, elephants, rhinos, etc. and a boy named Noah. While this is no Shaggy God story, it does throw the (astute) viewer through a loop as the Arcs do not seat 6.7 billion people. This means that saving animals destined to die is more important than any number of human lives. I find this a pretty hard argument to make, especially when the animals were clearly chosen (by director Roland Emmerich) for their exotic nature rather than any practical motive--ex. saving cattle, pigs, or chickens for a new farming society.

Around this unexamined point, the city-sinking movie runs with its--criminally overlooked--commentary on modern society. Should the species-saving vessels allow more passengers at the cost of endangering everyone, including the ones already "saved"? The universal health care debate asks variations of this same question. If the government lets everyone fight for their own benefit, there will be losers. But is that more fair than artificially leveling the playing field? Millions in America are essentially saved (read: insured) but would be required to pay taxes for those millions who are not insured.

This comes up more specifically in the movie when Chiwetel Ejiofor has his high-minded moralizing thrown back in his face. Ejiofor demands the government save more citizens yet does not give up his own life-saving boat ticket to any blue-collar Chinese worker. Ejiofor is one of the lucky saved and wants to save others but not at the risk of making a personal sacrifice. The same can be said for the highest salary earners in America. They are the ones already insured, yet they'd be the ones footing the majority of any universal system. Personally I'm a believer that it's still beneficial for the richest Americans to help the poorest in any fashion, as I'd pay taxes for a fire department I never need because it doesn't help me to have my neighbor's house burn down.

The movie seems to take a similar stance. Toward the end, John Cusack--and Cusack alone--takes responsibility for his selfish actions that inadvertently endangered the lives of thousands (allegory continued: funding a capitalist health care system). However his persistent nobility is undercut by the realization that he only risks his life to help others when his own life is in danger likewise. Cusack was not safe when he risked all he had. In fact, he is doomed to die with everyone else whether or not he tries to help the situation--it's no real spoiler to say that he does.

Unlike Ejiofor, Cusack was in a position wherein he had nothing to gain by doing nothing and so acted "heroically." Undoubtedly, this is what Emmerich had in mind during the Vatican-crushing, hotel-crumbling, Yellowstone-erupting motion picture; that is, universal health care will only come when, and if, those who have the power feel like they have something personally at stake in the well being of others. In that vein, perhaps the prophecies of "2012" will ring true; whether that means universal health care will save humanity, sun-launched neutrinos will doom humanity, or some unholy combination of both, I can not say, but it is fun to ponder.