Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Movies For Chuckles

My little brother, now nicknamed "Chuckles," and I have watched a number of movies this last winter break and perpetually appalled each other by admitting our own failures to see obviously great films the other knows and loves. To correct this injustice, we each will make/have made a list of ten movies that the other one has not seen but should. However, I found this two-person interaction quite limited so am posted my list on this here Internet machine.

Remember, these are not my top films, just ones I feel more people should see. I tried to give the list some variety and factored in general entertainment. Also, I should concede this list was more difficult than I expected, as Chuckles wasn't as deprived of great films as I originally feared. If he actually makes a list, I might post that on here too, as I am quite curious and pride myself on having experienced the Top 65 films on IMDB, 78 of AFI's Top 100 and 78 of WGA's Top 101 screenplays.

The list, in no real order:

NETWORK - This movie decries television news twenty years before The Daily Show ran CNN bloopers. Featuring devastating monologues and horrifyingly hilarious (and insightful) social commentary, NETWORK becomes meta-corrupted itself as the naturalistic style slowly but inevitably blends to stark and alienating absurdity.

ANNIE HALL - I can't think a movie that fully captures the pain, love, anxiety and comedy of relationships as completely as this one. The last Best Picture winner to be considered a comedy, this film is Woody Allen at his best in writing, acting and directing. Also, look for early celeb cameos.

BEING JOHN MALKOVICH - Charlie Kaufaman's mind-bending screenplay is really expanded upon by director Spike Jonze. Because of it's cold and alienating characters (they have heart, too), this film hasn't received the vast-reaching, warm embrace of young people like it's Kaufman-counterpart: ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND.

THE ASSASSINATION OF JESSE JAMES: Yes, the title tells you how the movie ends, but the journey to get to that point is truly exceptional and relevant to modern times (see: celebrity culture). Brad Pitt shines once again as a sociopath, but was generally panned by audiences who wanted a more Brad Pitt-esque Jesse James.

M - Banned by the Nazis (proving its greatness), this film finds and burrows itself into the realm of moral ambiguity in a world that is usually seen as black and white. Plot: Criminals team up to find a child killer because the police are cracking down on other forms of vice in the city, exploding moral frustrations among the immoral deviants.

THE FALL - One of the most beautifully shot films of the last decade, this film rises above eye-candy status as a truly remarkable movie thanks to its earnest story. Failing to create any cookie-cutter characters or relationships, the story is a tragedy begging to be a fairy tale. Also, great end credit sequence showing footage of 1920s stunt acting.

MODERN TIMES - Charlie Chaplin's last movie about his iconic character, The Tramp, this story reaches across all society affected by the Great Depression--with timeless relevance. It's wacky, it's witty, it's heartfelt and holds some of the other best comedic stunts of the 20th century.

SUNSHINE - This over-looked sci-fi film shows how one plays in a financial sandbox others would deem too small. Like all sci-fi, one has to allow the story teller a fantastical concept, but unlike most sci-fi films, SUNSHINE holds up its end of the promise and remains real, original and symbolic the rest of the time. And it's just another movie that uses exceptional cinematography to enhance the story.

TOUCH OF EVIL - Orson Welles writes, directs and stars opposite of Charlton Heston in this 1958 crime drama. Shot with all the deliberateness and ground-breakingness of the dreary CITIZEN KANE, this smaller production moves quick and isn't afraid to slap you with a joke before running away to the next scene. Welles himself plays a natural blend of Chief Wiggum and Dick Cheney that makes him so entertaining you just might fall a step behind him.

MY NEIGHBOR TOTORO - An earlier film by Hayao Miyazaki--who just may be the only animation storyteller keeping Pixar honest--, this movie's demographic is far from limited to its little girl protagonist. Capturing the life of children so indisputably would warrant this movie's status alone; however it also shows, more than any other film, why and how traditional animation is still a viable medium of storytelling and imagination.

Please feel welcome to comment on this, especially to suggest other films--everyone knowing that you cannot possibly know every film I (or Chuckles) have and haven't seen.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Curing Jackson Blair: bp9

The sun was plummeting to the horizon on Sterling’s right side while he cruised down the highway to a place in front of his car. Sterling’s car radio hadn’t worked in years but he didn’t mind so long as the engine ran fine, which seemed like a toss up anymore. No sentimentality for this car; no sentimentality for this 1995 Honda P.O.S. However Sterling started to develop a destination in mind as he flowed down the asphalt. It would not be a permanent destination but it would at least be a vague stepping stone. A run of the mill taco place.

Exiting from an exit, Sterling prowled for the hypothetical eatery. After passing two Taco Bell’s and one Taco John, Sterling found a promising restaurant aptly named: Taco Place. The tiny parking lot, probably made for six cars, was filled with eight, forcing Sterling to park at the White Castle across the street. Thanks to Sterling’s experience playing the video game Frogger and from watching friends dodge rodeo bulls, Sterling was able to cross the six-lane road separating the establishments--only getting hit twice.

Sterling walked into the restaurant and up to the ordering counter. Across the counter stood a gangly guy in his twenties, failing to wear any uniform, nametag or other markers of employee identification. As the guy standing across the counter did not smile at Sterling or seem to place Sterling’s value above a pile of algae, Sterling correctly concluded this was an employee awaiting his order.

“I’ll take the Big Burrito Grande,” Sterling requested. The Employee looked at the register—which Sterling swore was just a modified adding machine—and punched a single button.

“Ah man,” the Employee groaned, “Mister Zambowski, the register is broken again!”
“Mister Zambowski?” Sterling questioned, “What kind of taco place is this?”
“Man, I just love tacos so godddamn much. They’re like, just, incredible.”

Zambowski came over the to button box and typed in a twenty-key combination in three seconds before leaving again, without a word. The Employee continued, “Have you ever thought about the word ‘taco’? Like, what does it mean? Why is it called a taco?”
“I’m starving. So please, I just want my Big Burrito Grande. Please.”
“Yeah. I could go for one of those.”
“No. Me. I want one. I will pay you. Money. For one.”
“Yeah, okay.”

Sterling handed over his money, giving himself a fifty-percent chance of getting any food at any point. The frustration to get here had only made Sterling even hungrier. After too long, Sterling’s order was called up and Sterling went back to the counter only to see a plate of chips on the tray being presented to him. Sterling informed the Employee that those were just chips, to which the Employee agreed. Sterling politely reminded the Employee he had actually ordered, and paid for, the Big Burrito Grande. Inexplicably disappointed, the Employee went back out of sight. Near heartbreak, Sterling sat back down at his seat.

Millions of people at this very point were at McDonald’s and Burger King worldwide. Millions more were eating at their home, with loved (or at least mildly liked) ones. Why did Sterling have to suffer this abuse because he wanted something different? Was individuality punishable? Couldn’t Sterling just be happy eating at places everyone else could be happy eating at?

Eventually Sterling did get his Big Burrito Grande. And it was big, kind of. It wasn’t big and grande though, that’s for sure. And its taste was near the middle of flavor bell curve. It was enjoyable but forgettable. Of course it was rendered even more forgettable as Sterling found a newspaper shortly after that included an article about various entertainers being invited to the White House, including his old friends Cookie, Chester and Preston.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Curing Jackson Blair: bp8

“Do you remember when we had that homeless guy buy us booze in high school? I never learned his real name, but I guess when a guy fights ninjas every day of his life you can’t expect to learn everything about him.”

Brooklyn lightly laughed and admitted she did remember him. Sterling thought back to other happy memories, simultaneously grateful that the sparsely occupied bar had turned down its music. God, Brooklyn was still stunning. No one wonder I had been so confident back then, Sterling thought, I had a beautiful and insanely sharp girlfriend, I could do anything I wanted. I was 8 feet tall and bulletproof.

“So, how’s life?” Brooklyn broadly asked. Sterling smiled for a number of reasons. One of which was Brooklyn’s unrelenting and earnest optimism. Sterling explained that he had attended Ashton Clown College but dropped out. Fully aware of sounding like an aimless, unemployed loser, Sterling tried to emphasize his desire for experience and adaptability. It didn’t just talk this way to Brooklyn, but talked this way to himself.

She seemed to have a lot of fun asking Sterling rapid fire questions about clown college and Sterling had a lot of fun answering them. Sure, clown colleges have athletes. John-John America was the captain of the football and basketball team. He had gotten a scholarship and was pursuing a degree in Clown Communications—which was a joke of a degree. But some clowns are great athletes; how do you think Michael Irving got his big break?

Brooklyn then started forcing the discussion to religion, which threw Sterling off a little bit. During the time they had gone out, religion never came up more than a general passing—and that was only after driving pass a church, synagogue, mosque or whatever those snake-handlers call their building. Since having her daughter and getting married (holy crap, she’s married!?!), Brooklyn had found comfort in God Almighty. And though she didn’t want to push her religion on Sterling, she felt it could really help him in this time of need. Sterling thought up dozen of responses including: “All of life is a time a need,” “And I thought I was the clown,” and “I really do need help, when’s the next show?” But Sterling said nothing immediately.

Brooklyn finished her drink but did not ask for another one. She watched Sterling think and occasionally glanced at her glass to make sure it was still empty. Sterling, carefully, started to explain that he didn’t like the way organized religions provide answers. He said he’d prefer mystery over incorrect knowledge. Science is a continuum of learning whereas religion seems static in its teachings. Sterling conceded that neither science nor religion was inherently more true or moral. He hoped more than anything though that he had not offended his former love.

Brooklyn grew solemn and began, “You said you want to always know the truth, even if it is less meaningful or fulfilling than current knowledge. Well, then I need to confess. I honestly don’t remember that homeless man. Nor do I remember having government class together or some of the other stuff we talked about earlier. And frankly, yes, I did love you once but right now I am not what you need in your life nor are you what I want in mine. I’m sorry. I want us to be friends, but I think you know what that means.”

Brooklyn got up and went home, letting Sterling stay in the bar by himself--failing to immediately recover from the emotional beating. Feeling cold once again, Sterling decided he should take his life south.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Curing Jackson Blair: bp7

“Okay, the story starts with this robot. His name was Isaac. Isaac stood for something like: Intelligent System Automaton something something. Anyway, he was sent from the future--500 years in the future. And he was sent in the past to fix certain problems that originated during the past and made the future a difficult place to live.”

“Sterling, this is confusing.”

“Well, sorry. I’ve haven’t made up stories on the spot in a long time. Want to do something else?”

“No, keep telling the story.”

“Okay. So Isaac the Robot was sent to the pas, a time of great political turmoil and violence. The world was in danger of over-population. New industry was harming the environment. Cities were dangerous places and millions were starving to death while the rich reached unprecedented wealth. This is why the future scientists sent Isaac in the past, to cure these problems. They sent him to the awful year of 1910. However their space-time continuum equation was off because they forgot to carry the one. Which meant they accidentally sent Isaac to the year 2010.

So Isaac the Robot finds himself in the wrong time period but realized the problems are the same. While lamenting this societal tragedy, a dog approached Isaac and asked him why he doesn’t smell like other humans. Isaac tells the dog that he is not human, but in fact, a robot. The dog asks if he can be Isaac’s friend because he likes how the robot smells. So they hang out for a while. Go bowling or whatever people do nowadays.

Isaac wasn’t concerned about getting back to the future, though. Because he knew that in a few weeks, in the future, he was going to be rendered obsolete. A new robot was coming out. One that could move faster and run longer. The new robot also had a break-through in artificial intelligence. It could tell jokes. Not only did it have a cache of jokes programmed in, but could also learn and remember jokes it heard. The idea there being that a robot that makes you laugh is a robot that could be your friend. Anyhow, Isaac wasn’t funny and not nearly as efficient as this new robot. Oh yeah, and the dog’s name was Bogart.

After a while Isaac and Bogart ran into Rutherford B. Hayes. However Hayes had a mild case of amnesia and didn’t know anything about himself other than he was a former U.S. president. Hayes was also confused about the time period he was in. However he joined up with Isaac the Robot and Bogart the Dog and they walked the city streets until Hayes saw a sign he did recognize. It said: Taven. So a robot, a dog and a former president walk into a bar and the bartender turns to them and says, ‘What is this, a joke?’ and kicks them out. And then…”

“Does anything ever happen in this story?”

“Uh, yeah. They got hit in the face with a cream pie.”

“Who did?”

“They all did. Some clown threw three pies and hit all of them in the face. Then they walked around some more and, uh, I don’t know. They found an unlocked Ferrari.”

Sterling then stopped his impromptu story, noticing Brooklyn standing at the doorway, smiling. Nobody had expected her phone call to take so long and Sterling regretted he had done such a poor job entertaining Brooklyn’s daughter during the meantime. In fact, it had probably been Sterling’s worst display of creativity in years. Nevertheless the characters would linger in Sterling’s mind for the rest of the day and for many days afterwards. But more immediately, they would linger in Sterling’s mind thirty minutes later when he was getting a drink with his former girlfriend: Brooklyn.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

NFL Predictions: Wildcard Weekend

12 of 32 teams still have the Superbowl trophy glistening in their watering eyes as the regular season is over. And why do they want this trophy? Because it proves each year which city in America is truly, albeit temporarily, the greatest. Surely no one doubted the value of Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Tampa Bay and St. Louis over the last decade.

New York (Jets) at Cincinnati
The Jets absolutely dismantled the Bengals just six days ago but that was in New York. Related, Cincinnati had little reason to play and sat out their over-rated stars (including Chad Eight-Five). Cincinnati fell into the playoffs after hitting phenomenal heights during the first half of the regular season. Since then, they have just crashed and been stripped back down to the team the rest of the NFL is used to seeing. Some games it’s like the Bengals perpetually forget they are not playing two-hand touch football. Like every other weekend in the year, there will be little reason to celebrate in Cincinnati. Jets win.

Philadelphia at Dallas
If Dallas wins this game every Cowboy/Tony Romo fan is going to act like they won the Miss America pageant—confetti, music, tears, hugging the loser, etc. And why shouldn’t they? Dallas hasn’t won a playoff game since 1996 and Donovan McNabb’s Eagles are 6-0 in their first playoff games. Eventually Dallas will have to win a playoff game in the same way that I’ll eventually have to win the lottery, we both just have to lose enough. Actually, I suppose this means I should buy a lottery ticket this weekend—but I wouldn’t bet on my own chances and I wouldn’t bet on the Cowboys. Eagles win.

Baltimore at New England
The Patriots beat the Ravens earlier this year because of two 3rd down-penalties on what would become a game-winning drive. Since then, the Patriots have been beating up on weak teams and losing to playoff teams. The Patriots are old guys, trying to win big games with their old ways. The Ravens are young guys who basically started playing football a couple of days ago. This is a game where the virtue of experience will become the hindrance of age. Ravens win.

Green Bay at Arizona
By coincidence, I am going four-for-four with the visiting team. The Cardinals were the David’s…or Cinderella’s, or whatever of last year’s playoffs. However David only had to fight once. And Cinderella, wait, okay, I don’t know where that metaphor was going but it made sense at some point. Regardless, the Packers have won 7 of their last 8 and ended up only one game behind the Vikings in their division, and that was losing to the Vikings twice. Conversely, the Cardinals get to play teams in the NFC West every year that couldn’t score on the set of “Rock of Love.” The Packers have the momentum, the talent, the benefit of unknown players and the grit developed after duel smackings from Brett Favre, who has now become Clint Eastwood in shoulder pads.